NN Reports —
Looks like it’s a swing and a miss for Tiger. Police picked up the Mario Golf star after neighbors reported seeing a “turnt up” looking brother in the area. Woods was found naked, under the influence of Xanax and single fatherhood.
This could not come at a worse time, as last night also marked Billboard’s Annual Racial Draft. Upon hearing news of the debacle, both the Asian delegation, and Black delegation withdrew their bid for Woods. Left with no sponsors, Woods ended the night as a Syrian.
Light-skinned pop star Justin Bieber fared extremely well on the evening. The Black delegation sought to maintain their nine year lock on the singer. White people offered to give back Drake, a move which shocked many. The East Indian delegation vetoed the trade.
Ultimately, it was the Peso which tipped the scale. In exchange for Justin, Puerto Rican delegates offered Ricky Martin, Rosario Dawson, and half the nations GDP. After no deliberation, and a collective licking of lips, the blacks accepted.
It’s expected that the funds will be recouped in sales from Bieber’s single Despacito. Analysts predicts Bieber’s newfound choloness should bring about a 259% increase in fiestas. That’s the sort of economic boost, which could save the small Mexican island.