Colt 45 taps Kendall Jenner as new spokesperson

It seems like the Kardashian-Jenner clan will be adding another page to their ever expanding portfolio. For those who can’t keep up with the Kardashians, or just don’t give a fuck, Kendall Jenner was recently part of an extremely successful Pepsi ad campaign. The commercial saw her participating in a Black Lives Matter protest, utilizing her white privilege to prevent a massacre while simultaneously providing tasty refreshments to the oppressing police force. An ally through and through, Jenner is then seen performing fellatio on the corpses of Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin, and Michael Brown.

Mild public outcry did arise when activist groups pointed out that any protest involving such a large number of POC would be fueled by Fanta. The Coca-Cola company has yet to respond. Through twitter Jenner addressed the controversy stating that she considered herself to be a “nigger lover” ever since the infamous OJ trials, during which she was still a fetus.

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#FreeOJ

The tweet drew the attention of Colt 45 brewer Pabst Brewing Company. Chairman Eugene Kashper was quoted as saying he found the exploitation of black culture perpetuated by Jenner to be “inspirational” and totally inline with the company’s history of doing the same in the name of profits.  Drawing upon their previous campaign staring Billy Dee Williams, these new ads will feature Kendall Jenner as Princess Leia and Donald Glover as the space scoundrel Lando Calrisissian. After a night of debauchery upon the Millennium Falcon, Lando attempts to seduce the fair princess who unfortunately is not DTF. Lucky for him, sexual assault is the same even in a galaxy far far away, and after plying her with several bottles of Colt 45 he is able to seal the deal.

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And do it does

The ads will receive extensive airtime in underprivileged communities such as Harlem where Jenner’s beau, rapper A$AP Rocky originates. Recently at Coachella Rocky was asked if he was conflicted about being in a relationship with someone perpetuating such potentially damaging images, he replied, “Naww not really, I don’t give much fucks about what these white bitches do as long as they let me hit it. Plus my daddy drank Colt 45 and I turned out jiggy didn’t I?”

The rapper proceeded to spill lean all over himself and hit the dab. Previously linked to renowned cultural appropriator Iggy Azalea,  it seems Rocky likes his women like he likes his recording contracts. White, with just enough black in them to further his career.

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A$AP Jenner

In anticipation of any backlash from the campaign Pabst has reportedly pledged to donate a portion of the 5 million production budget to combat inner city alcoholism. When pressed for a specific dollar amount, a representative said “enough for good publicity, but not enough to actually make a difference.”  You can catch the ad airing during episodes of The O’Riley Factor on the Fox News Channel, Black-ish on ABC, and any local network which hates black folk.

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